Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!“

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!“

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?“

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!“

Nate ‧ Posted 4 years, 4 months, 3 weeks, 1 day, 19 hours, 41 minutes ago ‧ Comments (0)

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An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.“

Nate ‧ Posted 4 years, 4 months, 3 weeks, 6 days, 22 hours, 40 minutes ago ‧ Comments (0)

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A blind man goes into a tavern, finds the bar, and sits down. When the bartender comes over and asks what he’d like to drink, he says, “I’d like to get a beer and tell a blonde joke.“

The bartender says, “Well, I’ll give you a beer, no problem, but you should know that I weigh 250 pounds, and I’m a blonde. Also, my brother is sitting next to you. He’s also about 250, and he’s blonde too. My cousin is sitting at the table behind you, he weighs almost 300 pounds, and he’s a blonde. Are you sure you want to tell the blonde joke?“

The blind guy thinks a minute, then says, “Well, I guess I’ll have the beer, but I won’t tell the blonde joke.“

“Why not?“ asks the bartender.

“Well,“ the blind guy says, “I don’t want to have to explain it three times.“

Nate ‧ Posted 4 years, 4 months, 4 weeks, 18 hours, 9 minutes ago ‧ Comments (0)

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So this European lady goes to Banff on Vacation. She doesn’t speak a word of English but wants to go out for a drink.

She walks into to the first pub she finds. Walks up to the bar and uses the international signal for a bartender (raising your arm and tipping your hand). When she lifts her arm it reveals the hairiest armpit you’ve ever seen. It looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock!

Some guy at the end of the bar yells out, “Hey Bartender! Get the ballerina a beer!“

The bartender sees the lady and brings her a beer.  This goes on throughout the night. Whenever she would raise her arm this guy would yell, “Hey Bartender! Get the ballerina a beer!“

Finally the bartender goes over to this guy and asks, “Why do you keep calling that lady a ballerina?“

The guy replies, “Hell, anyone who can lift there leg that high must be a ballerina!“

[via Bradley Caddel]

Nate ‧ Posted 4 years, 5 months, 1 week, 6 days, 13 hours, 5 minutes ago ‧ Comments (0)

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A few minutes before the services began, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?“ The man replied, “Yep, sure do.“

“Aren’t you afraid of me?“ Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t.“ said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?“ asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,“ returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?“ persisted Satan.

“Yep,“ was the calm reply.

“And you’re still not afraid?“ asked Satan.

“Nope.“

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?“

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.“

Nate ‧ Posted 4 years, 5 months, 3 weeks, 13 hours, 10 minutes ago ‧ Comments (11)

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