TooMuchSexy.blog

• In a small store or a post office, if you are not happy with the speed of the line it is proper New Yorker behavior to start talking to no one in particular about the wait. DO NOT blame the store or the clerk
  Blame the person who is so inconsiderate that they are taking up your valuable time at the counter. Start criticizing their clothing, posture, and family genetics. Complain about the method they have chosen to pay for their purchases: It is acceptable to pull weapons if they start to write a check.
• The above also applies to someone who answered “I’m sorry. I’m in a hurry too,” when you demanded to go in front of them in line.
• If you are above the age of 60 and a line begins to form, you are now a member of the Line Police and can dictate the behavior of everyone around you.
• Hitting strangers with your shopping cart is an effective method of getting them to move. If they cry out in pain, ignore them. It’s not your problem.
• Shoplifting is a form of modern art. Be aware that security measures are there to weed out those who are not gifted: Take as much as you can carry. Remember, the older you are the less likely it is that you will be caught.
• If you forgot to get a shopping cart when at the front door of the store, don’t worry! Someone will bring a cart to you
  Simply take out their existing items and leave with your new cart when they turn their back. If they confront you, ignore them. It’s not your problem.
• If an item is clearly labeled and is not on sale, it is a mistake. Screaming at the 16-year-old clerk when paying is the best method of remedying this mistake: If they still refuse to discount the item or bring over a manager, you should then dramatically sweep all items off the counter and storm out of the store.
• After shopping is completed, please return your cart to the handy free spaces located between the rows of cars. Don’t worry if the carts block traffic or roll around to damage another car. It’s not your problem.

• The car horn is a fashion accessory, and a proper New Yorker always needs to be in fashion.
• If you are on a one-lane road and the car in front of you wants to turn left and you ALSO want to turn left, pull up on his right-hand side to make sure that he knows that he needs to move more quickly. Be sure to block his view of traffic. Start screaming at him. If he gestures that he can’t see to turn, try and get him killed by indicating that he can pull out into traffic, but be sure to time it so he is turning into the path of an oncoming Mac truck. If there is an accident, ignore it. It’s not your problem.
• Driving through the drive-through window only applies to other vehicles. You have the right to drive up, get your food, and sit in the comfort of your car while eating. If other cars in line can’t reach the window and star honking, ignore them. It’s not your problem.
• Cell phones are everyone’s friend, and driving is so very boring. A proper New Yorker laughs at the law and combines the two to make their driving experience ever so much more pleasant.
• God help you if you are in the right hand lane and traffic patters won’t let you turn. You have just signed your own death warrant.
• Whatever the state laws suggest, pedestrians DO NOT have the right of way. Pedestrians merely clear the road of less aggressive drivers for a small but opportune window of time.
• A proper New Yorker feels that vehicles such as ambulances and police cars infringe upon their personal space. It is proper New Yorker driving behavior to maintain speed as long as possible and if you HAVE to pull off to let them pass, be sure to flip them off.
• The following are optional: Turn signals. Headlights. Stop signs. Yield signs. No turn on red. No left turn. No U-turn. Traffic lights. “Right of way”. Mufflers. Walk signals.

• Always remember that THEY are here to serve YOU. Only you. Other tables do not matter. Only your interests should be of concern to the waitstaff. Make this perfectly clear when you are first seated and be sure to remind them throughout the meal. If they treat you as anything less than the god you are, do not leave any tip.
• If you do not like the food (or if you want free food), demand to report the restaurant to the health inspector if you do not receive every item on your bill free of charge.
• When eating out, always remember that you do not need to clean the restrooms. Challenge yourself and be creative with your filth.
• Dropping a glass on the floor is an effective method of summoning your waiter.

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Comments

1. oh mah gawd!! these ppl are so mean!!

   — Your Bum 

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