Etan, why do you hate freedom?
— Gabe 
I felt like TooMuchSexy.blog was due for a flame war, so without further ado…
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
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Etan, why do you hate freedom?
— Gabe
My summation of what-it-means-to-be-republican is a little more succinct:
Dance like a hillbilly, jumping from leg to leg, with a gun in each hand shooting up into the air, yelling “morals! yeeeehaaaaw!”
All I can say is “true, true, true.”
Ha ha, stupid Democrats can’t even troll their own sites.
— scooby
To be a Democrat, your most commented posts have to be:
American Juniors and A.J. Melendez (246)
Last Comic Standing - RIP Dave Mordal (143)
Sex Bracelets (130)
Last Comic Standing (114)
Bill Cosby’s “politically incorrect” appearance (75)
First Batch of Gmail Invites (70)
Penis Tattoo (70)
How to dress Emo (68)
And *then* you finally get to Roe v. Wade.
Thank god the Democrats are here to impart their wisdom on A.J. Melendez, sex bracelets and penis tattoos to those of us in the red states.
(BTW, Etan, I’m just yanking your chain here, don’t get all pouty on me.)
— scooby
Don’t blame me for general makeup of the Google using population of the world. 
— Nate
i’m a few days late to this party but i agree with every point. 
— nine
i’m a few days late to this party but i agree with every point.
Wow. That’s fucked up. Even arch-conservative super-Republicans wouldn’t agree with every point.
— scooby
dude, i totally phrased that badly i guess.
what i MEANT was that you have to believe that ignorant crap (every point) to be a republican today.
i’m so NOT republican that it makes my very conservative parents cry and i get in arguments with Bushies all the time…
— nine
what i MEANT was that you have to believe that ignorant crap (every point) to be a republican today.
I knew I’d get sucked into this.
To be a Republican you simply have to register your name on a list or two. It doesn’t necessarily imply that you’re conservative, Christian, Catholic, fundamentalist, creationist, libertarian, neoconservative, paleoconservative, objectivist, a hawk, pro-corporate, pro-life, anti-environment (which isn’t even a word) or any of that.
But let’s go through the bloody list:
* Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
Remember that USSR that had however many thousands of nukes pointed at us? It sucks, but the only way we could engage them was through proxy countries. So, yes, we sold arms to Iraq to get at Iran. However bad the Cold War was, it was less worse than a hot war would have been. As to Cheney doing business with him, that’s some loopy tinfoil hat stuff.
* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
There’s been an embargo with Cuba ever since Kennedy and the Bay of Pigs fiasco. That’s not a Republican thing.
* The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
We’re trying to help the Iraqis set up a democracy; the UN, as usual, couldn’t care less. We want out of the UN because they make countries Libya (or maybe it’s Sudan, I forget) head of their Human Rights Commission and ignore stuff like genocide in Rawanda, not to mention crapping all over our allies like Israel.
* A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
If “decisions about her own body” means abortion, how is it a decision to have an abortion? You only have an abortion if a. someone makes you or b.you didn’t use a condom or it broke. That’s not a decision in the plain English meaning of the term. And you can’t blame Republicans for wacky Catholic beliefs.
As to multi-national corporations / regulation, I guess that’s a reference to pollution and such. The hidden assumption here is that “regulation” means federal regulation. Most conservatives argue that draconian federal regulations are not the best way to preserve the environment.
* Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
There seem to be plenty of liberals who hate gays, too, judging by Andrew Sullivan‘s inbox.
* The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
I haven’t seen the numbers on this one, but I would think the Army Times would have mentioned if we were getting a paycut or that I would have heard about it. As to vets, they are *never* satisifed with their benefits. I can only pray I will never be a whiny s*** who thinks the world owes me for doing my job when I get out.
* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
This is part of the whole family values BS, which the Dems are just as bad on. (It Takes a Village, anyone?) Most in the GOP are dismayed at the fact that schools want to take raising children out of parents’ hands. Personally, I’d probably be fairly liberal about how I taught my children about sexuality, but I respect another person’s right to teach their children the way they believe is right. And I think schools should focus on learning since that’s what their best set up to do.
* A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time Allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
The French, Germans, Russians and Chinese were a. talking just as much shit to us and b. going behind our backs to preserve their big oil contracts with Iraq.
* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
You really have to be an idiot to buy this one. We didn’t set up universal health care in Iraq. We built hospitals and trained doctors because they didn’t have any! The Iraqis can figure out how people are to pay for health care any way they like.
* HMOs, pharmecutical, and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
No, you have to be working in PR for one of those firms to believe this. Republicans just wonder whether the FDA is worried about us getting medicine as soon as possible or covering their ass from embarrassing headlines.
* Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
You have to be a wacko creationist to believe this.
* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Funny they bring up Clinton, since it was his intelligence that said Saddam had WMDs.
* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The GOP is divided on gay marriage… I haven’t heard anything about “censoring the Internet,” but I think the Dems are far worse about censorship. I mean, what’s more important: fruit loop art or political debate? It’s the Dems who were pushing for “campaign finance reform” which is basically censorship of political speech.
* The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving and military record is none of our business.
From what I’ve read, Bush signed his Form 180 a long time ago. I haven’t found it online, but then I haven’t looked. His driving record? WTF?
* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
The war on drugs has been fought just as aggressively under Democrat regimes as under Republican.
* You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
I haven’t followed this issue, and anything involving Ashcroft tends to be overblown, IMHO.
* What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ‘80s is irrelevant.
Most of the coverage of Clinton was over his perpetual idiotic scandals, which were current events. I mean, the Dems spent the *whole* debate comparing what Bush and Kerry were doing during the Vietnam war.
— scooby
“We’re trying to help the Iraqis set up a democracy”
i cant believe that anyone buys that garbage.
it wasn’t called “Operation Iraqi Freedom” until long after we were already bombing ‘em. …that’s just a PR spin, and it’s crazy how many people eat it up.
i guess one more thing should be added to the list:
To be a republican, you need to believe that revising history to make ourselves look less retarded is in our national interest, and is our moral obligation.
scooby, hows about we just agree to disagree. it wasn’t my intent to offend you so call off the dogs, m’kay?
— nine
It doesn’t matter whose Intelligence it was, what matters is that it was false, and they did not investigate thoroughly enough to realize that it was false.
One might argue, well Saddam would not allow weapons inspectors, etc…
If at first you don’t succeed with diplomacy instead of war, try try again.
And yes, I would still be making this argument no matter who was in office. I do not prescribe to the generic American political parties.
As to the other points listed, I would say they are a matter of deficiencies in modern human behavior, as opposed to limited to one political party of another. To say that only one type of political party is guilty of wrongdoings, is tantamount to saying only black men between that ages of 18-25 commit violent crime; it is a stereotype.
Repeat with me: Stereotypes are wrong!
— Elise
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