TooMuchSexy.blog

Joke of the Day - Congress

2012-05-02T22:07:55Z

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations…”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.

The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

Joke of the Day - Politically Correct

2012-04-11T22:06:43Z

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

The doorman stops them and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.’

Joke of the Day - Holy Water

2012-04-09T22:05:48Z

How do you make Holy water?

You boil the Hell out of it.

Joke of the Day - Titanic

2012-04-02T22:03:59Z

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half-way.

Joke of the Day - El Paso

2012-03-12T21:59:59Z

A cowboy is sitting in a saloon when he looks out the window and notices his horse has been stolen. He turns around and shouts out to the rest of bar, “Alright, looks like one of you mangey dogs done stole my horse. Now, I’m going to go take a leak. And when I get back, my horse better be back outside… or else I’m going to have to do what I did back in El Paso… and I don’t want to have to do what I did back in El Paso.

So he gets up, heads off to the toilet and when he returned, sure enough, his horse was tied up outside right where he had left it. As he was saddling up some of the people from inside the bar came out, “Hey, stranger. What was it you did in El Paso that you didn’t want to do again?”

“I walked home.”

Joke of the Day - Pure Polar Bear

2012-03-06T23:36:28Z

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, “Dad, am I pure polar bear?” The dad replies, “Sure you are son. I’m all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.”

Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, am I pure polar bear?” She answers, “Of course you are honey. I’m all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear.”

Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, “Grandmom…Grandpop…am I all polar bear?” His grandmother answers, “Of course you are sweetie. We’re all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?”

The baby polar bears replies, “Because I’m fucking freezing!”

Joke of the Day - Pizza

2012-03-01T22:02:58Z

What does a Mexican cut his pizza with?

Little Caesars

Joke of the Day - No Eyes

2012-02-16T21:51:59Z

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A “FSH”

Joek of the Day - Choice

2012-02-14T22:00:04Z

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, “I’d rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips.”

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

Joke of the Day - Worms!

2012-02-02T21:44:15Z

A pastor takes four earthworms and places them in different jars at the start of the service.

Each jar contained something different, the first had alcohol, the second had cigerette butts and smoke, the third had all sorts of sweets, and the forth had good, clean dirt. At the end of the service, the pastor pulls the jars back out and removes the worm from the alcohol. “Dead!” exclaims the pastor. Next is the worm in the cigerette smoke. “Dead!”. The worm in the sweets “DEAD!” Finally the worm in the dirt, “Look at this! He is alive!”

“Can anyone tell me what the moral of this story is?”

Mrs. Jones, an elderly woman in the front row, stands up and exclaims “If you drink, smoke, and eat nothing but candy, you won’t get worms!”

Joke of the Day - Homeless

2012-01-26T21:52:18Z

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Joke of the Day - Leaving China

2012-01-17T21:41:44Z

A politician in China asks a man why he is leaving to the US.

Politician In China: Why are you leaving China to go the US? Are you not satisfied with the work?

Man In China: I am satisfied with the work.

Politician In China: Are you not satisfied with the pay?

Man In China: I am satisfied with the pay.

Politician In China: Are you not satisfied with the Politicians in China?

Man In China: I am satisfied with the Politicians in China.

Politician In China: Then why are you leaving China and moving the US?

Man In China: Because in the US, I am allowed to be unsatisfied.

Joke of the Day - The Lecture

2011-09-09T16:59:35Z

A cop sees an older gentleman staggering slightly down the street. It’s 2:00 in the morning. He pulls over for a chat.

“Good evening, sir,” the cop says. “Is everything OK?”

“Why yes, officer, thank you,” the man says, speaking a bit thickly.

“Where are you headed?” the cop asks.

“I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,” the man says with certainty.

“Sir, it’s 2:00 in the morning,” the cop says. “Who would be giving a lecture on that topic at this hour?”

The man nods, looks the cop in the eye, and says, “My wife.”

Joke of the Day - Legal Consultation

2011-08-03T16:29:28Z

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don’t carry cash—it’s too plebeian—and the butcher hadn’t brought the shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office].

Several periods of time later—it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic—the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.

Joke of the Day - The Bank Robbers

2011-07-27T16:28:49Z

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, “Okay, well, at least we can eat it.” So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn’t find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, “Well, at least they left something for us to eat.”

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
“Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people…”