Each jar contained something different, the first had alcohol, the second had cigerette butts and smoke, the third had all sorts of sweets, and the forth had good, clean dirt. At the end of the service, the pastor pulls the jars back out and removes the worm from the alcohol. “Dead!” exclaims the pastor. Next is the worm in the cigerette smoke. “Dead!”. The worm in the sweets “DEAD!” Finally the worm in the dirt, “Look at this! He is alive!”

“Can anyone tell me what the moral of this story is?”

Mrs. Jones, an elderly woman in the front row, stands up and exclaims “If you drink, smoke, and eat nothing but candy, you won’t get worms!”

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Politician In China: Why are you leaving China to go the US? Are you not satisfied with the work?

Man In China: I am satisfied with the work.

Politician In China: Are you not satisfied with the pay?

Man In China: I am satisfied with the pay.

Politician In China: Are you not satisfied with the Politicians in China?

Man In China: I am satisfied with the Politicians in China.

Politician In China: Then why are you leaving China and moving the US?

Man In China: Because in the US, I am allowed to be unsatisfied.

“Good evening, sir,” the cop says. “Is everything OK?”

“Why yes, officer, thank you,” the man says, speaking a bit thickly.

“Where are you headed?” the cop asks.

“I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,” the man says with certainty.

“Sir, it’s 2:00 in the morning,” the cop says. “Who would be giving a lecture on that topic at this hour?”

The man nods, looks the cop in the eye, and says, “My wife.”

The butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don’t carry cash—it’s too plebeian—and the butcher hadn’t brought the shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office].

Several periods of time later—it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic—the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.

The Head Gangster says, “Okay, well, at least we can eat it.” So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn’t find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, “Well, at least they left something for us to eat.”

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
“Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people…”

The first thing he said when he was born was, “Are you my mom?”

“Why, yes!” his mother said. “I am!”

“Well,” the baby said, “I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born.” Then he looks around the room and says, “Are you my doctor?”

“Yes, I am!” says the doctor.

“Well, I just wanted to thank you,” says the baby, “for taking such good care of me during the delivery.”

“You’re very welcome,” says the doctor.

The baby looks around the room and says, “Hey, are you my father?”

Overcome with pride, his dad says, “Yes, I am!”

The baby says, “Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down.” The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. “How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn’t it?”

A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand’s wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, “Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you’ve got work to do.”

“Can’t,” mumbled Tex. “Too beat. Too tired. Can’t even lift my head.”

“Get the hell up!” she screamed in his ear. “I’ve seen you this hungover a thousand times.”

“Last night was different,” said the wretched fellow. “Some son of a bitch cut my horse’s head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!”

At the station, she asked the attendant to give her a quart of gasoline so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The attendant told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it to someone else.

She told the attendant that she was in a hurry and would look in her car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could easily hold a quart of gas.

She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendant filled it with gas. The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the bedpan into her car.

Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to the other “If that car starts, I’m converting to Catholicism forever!”

The scientist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, ‘Frog with four legs jumped six feet.’

Then he cut the frog’s front legs off and ordered, ‘Jump, frog, jump!’
The frog struggled and jumped.

The scientist noted in his journal, ‘Frog with two legs jumped two feet.’

Next, the scientist cut off the frog’s back legs. Once more, he shouted, ‘Jump, frog, jump!’
The frog just lay there.

‘Jump, frog, jump!’ the scientist repeated.
Nothing.

The scientist noted in his journal, ‘Frog with no legs is deaf.’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

     The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
     The bouncer is a blonde girl.
     I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
     The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
     The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

A: A stick!

The bartender stepped back for and replied, “Why the big paws?”

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says “How well can you do?”

“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says….

Liver alone. Cheese mine.